I am not about to commit suicide. But, since we’re now on the subject, I wonder if anyone has used their blog yet to leave a suicide note? Now that would increase your site traffic, boy. — Look, this is MY IDEA people, so back off. — I’ll have to check the patents.
Or better, don’t commit suicide but say that you did. Then pass around a chain letter about this blog that you found where the guy wrote his last kiss-my-a$$ entry to the world and then offed himself. Most people, conditioned to find entertainment in anything, just won’t be able to help themselves but look. Your site traffic would get a healthy boost. Then, if you’re lucky, your online suicide note would reach urban legend status, and you’d get another traffic spike when Snopes steps in to put your little hoax to rest. Wow, is there any bigger dream on the internet? Lots of traffic and a listing in snopes. Thanks to your death, you’ve got a lot to live for!
This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to employ technology to jazz up the humble suicide note. I mean, this thing is your last chance to say whatever it is. You can’t leave it in the hands of some grizzled county coroner and expect it to have any impact! Every step of the crime scene/mortuary process is populated by people who have been blunted by an endless stream of death. You can’t get through to them! They aren’t going to appreciate the anguish in your letter. The note beside the corpse might be the only spot of levity in their day!
No, you need to find a way to get your message out. Like, for instance, on your answering machine. Friends, family, telemarketers…they’re calling you! You get to be the first to break the news that you’re dead. And unlike a paper note that gets filed away in a manila folder with your death certificate, never to be seen again, this isn’t a one-time deal. No, this puppy keeps making your statement, ring after ring — at least until the phone company gets wise that you ain’t ever gonna pay your bill again.
So let’s say that leaving your death knell on an answering machine buys you a month or two of voice mail eulogizing. In my neighborhood that means about 120 telemarketers would hear it. And what group of people could be more receptive to your message about the meaningless dead end of life than telemarketers? Can anyone say Target Audience?
All I’m saying is, these aren’t the 1900s, okay? We have technology now. If you’re about to capitulate to survival of the fittest by self-guided natural de-selection, put down your quill pen, pick up the phone, and communicate.
By the way, don’t kill yourself, okay? It’s a joke. Humor. Ha ha. And in any event, DO NOT mention this site in your final note or message or blog. Like I haven’t got enough trouble already without becoming the World Wide Reaper.
And if you’re from Snopes, it’s all a lie: rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated. Case closed.